100% of Divorces are Caused by Marriage
What the #1 divorce lawyer in Atlanta taught me about love, marriage, and success
There was not a 35th button in the elevator. So, we asked the concierge how to get to the 35th floor.
“Sign in,” the buttoned-up concierge instructed. We did.
“Could we interview a top divorce attorney,” I asked Ilene a few weeks ago. She can find anybody and then somehow convince them to talk to strangers. Us being the strangers.
“Sure,” she said confidently. Then, somehow, she landed the top lawyer in Atlanta. I will never know how she does it.
“Do you know this guy,” I asked her as we stood helpless in the lobby.
“No,” she replied. Of course not.
We stared at the elevators until one of the doors opened. A woman stepped out and escorted us to the office. Top floor. Very lawyer-y with lawyer-like tables and lawyer-like office chairs.
The man we were there to interview met us in the foyer area and walked us back to his office. He was shorter, balder, and smarter than me.
His office was outstanding. Glass windows for days overlooking Atlanta. A sitting area, a desk area, a conference table area. Behind his desk sat an Emmy award.
Yup. He won an Emmy for work on the local NBC News, apparently.
I have never been married. Not even close. Nothing has terrified me more than the idea of getting married including the three angry Zambian chimpanzees that tried to murder me a few years ago.
Across from me, in the most amazing corner office I had ever seen, was a man who has ended marriages for the past 35 years.
Randy Kessler was born in New Orleans, spent a year in Israel, and went to Boston for college. His grandfather was a cab driver and told him he was going to be a lawyer, not a shyster, when he was three years old.
He decided to go to Emory Law School because Boston was cold, Miami was a party, and Tulane was too close to home.
He worked at a few small law firms and then decided to start his own. He asked every lawyer he could find for advice. It inadvertently made them feel invested in his success. One day he took an alimony case no one else wanted. He won, and as they say, family law found him.
“Why do you think you are so successful,” I asked staring out of the massive window behind his desk.
“My insecurity,” he replied, “I am terrified I’m going to do the wrong thing.”
I didn’t expect that answer from the guy in the corner office with two floors full of attorneys, and a “paparazzi exit” in the back of the office.
There were two signed football helmets on his coffee table – New Orleans Saints and Carolina Panthers. One for his hometown, one for a quarterback who needed his help.
To be honest I was expecting a buttoned-up, extremely busy, and highly distracted man. I expected a lawyer. However, Randy made it feel like we had been friends forever. He seemed as interested in us as we were in him. Like we had known him forever.
“How much do you work,” I asked.
“I check my email every three minutes,” he said. “I love working. I am never off. But, I spend more time now checking the work of younger lawyers.”
There were really three things I wanted to know.
1. Is marriage stupid?
2. How do you know if he or she is the one?
3. Why do people really get divorced?
Over the next few hours, he answered those questions and many more.
“How was business during the pandemic,” I asked.
He told us about COVID divorces where couples realized they didn’t have anything in common or one of them was having an affair and couldn’t when the world shut down so decided to do it the old fashion way by getting a divorce. It was good for business I guess.
“I bet you’ve heard it all,” I said sheepishly.
“I had a client who got someone pregnant at his bachelor party. He said he fell into her in a hot tub. That is some serious geometry. I asked if he thought the judge would believe that.”
“Have you ever had clients with a hidden family,” Ilene asked.
“Yeah, definitely,” he laughed.
“Do you think everyone should have a prenup,” I asked.
“No, I don’t. I don’t have one,” he replied.
Randy, the top divorce lawyer in Atlanta, has been married for 16 years. Happily married.
He told us that a post-nuptial agreement can be a very helpful contract. I had never heard of such a thing. Creating an agreement about what happens during a divorce when you are already married. The things you learn from a divorce attorney.
“What will marriage be like in the future,” I asked.
“I think it will be more contractual,” he replied. “Why is there marriage?” Now he was interviewing us.
I looked at Ilene. She looked at me. We both looked at him.
“Religion,” I guessed.
“Why does the government incentivize marriage by giving tax benefits? You know, why shouldn’t you just be able to pick one person and say that is the person I want to be able to put on my insurance policy and allow to see me in the hospital if I am sick? I think for people that don’t have kids there’s no practical reason to get married, you know?” He looked at us as if we had the answers. The unmarried people with commitment issues.
The philosophy of marriage was overheating my brain.
“So, the government wants to promote marriage because everyone generally thinks marriage is a good thing. And conceptually, we all grew up thinking marriage is a good thing and it probably is a great thing. But why? Why is it a great thing? What is so great about marriage except for religion? Why do people stay married or get married? So they can have sex? I don’t think there are a lot of great reasons, legally, practically, or mathematically to be married.”
I don’t know much about math but maybe he is right. Why is marriage good? Can people just be together without the paperwork and hoopla?
“Do you know how much money I will save by not hiring you to do my divorce?” I joked. They say one of the leading factors for divorce is marriage.
Eventually, we got to 33 questions. This is where we write down 33 weird questions before the interview and then let the interviewee pick a number.
“23…my favorite number,” he said.
“Michael Jordan,” I exclaimed.
“Yeah, until we had a case against him,” he mumbled.
Randy lectures for the NFL and NBA players association to give athletes a heads up on life in the fast lane.
“I have heard stories about women who will have sex with an NBA guy, and when they are lucky enough to have sex with an NBA guy, they will go sleep with five guys in the same night to make sure they get pregnant. And guys, we are stupid. A girl comes up and says remember that night nine months ago? We think back nine months and think, damn, must be mine.”
I am glad I was just the mascot. Nobody wants to sleep with the mascot.
Number 23: After seeing so many divorces, would you get married now?
“Yes. I was 42 when I got married. We dated forever. We have now been married for 16 years.”
Number 22: What is your favorite part of the job?
“Helping young lawyers.”
Number 18: What is the wildest divorce you have seen?
“Oh God, we would be here for hours. People come in whose husband transitioned to a woman or whose wife transitioned to a man or the husband is sleeping with the nanny or crazy celebrity cases.”
Number 30: Has anyone ever gotten in a physical fight in your office?
“I had some very high-profile hip hop couples that everyone knows in mediation one time. This was 20 years ago. They started dropping the F-bomb and the mediator was a big guy so I just stood back against the wall.”
“Was it Bobby and Whitney,” Ilene asked. Great question, I thought. She asks the best questions.
“No, but we actually helped the ex-boyfriend, Nick,” he replied.
Mr. Kessler mentioned a few high-profile people once in a while if the case was made public. The housewives of Atlanta, Usher’s wife, Hank Aaron’s brother.
“My very first voicemail was – Mr. Kessler, This is Hank Aaron. Can you give me a call?”
There were stacks of signed basketballs and footballs in the copy room and hallways.
I was beginning to worry about time. Lawyers, after all, charge by the millisecond. However, I was starting to see why he has been so successful over the years. He was warm and humble. Charming actually. He made me feel like he was happy we were there. Perhaps the greatest lesson of all from this interview was how to treat people.
Finally, I asked the big question.
“What is your advice for young people, or old people like me, who might get married one day?”
“My advice would be don’t give into peer pressure. People get married because all their friends are married or their family is married or their parents are telling them to get married. Getting married because everyone says you get married is the stupidest thing in the world.”
“How do we know when we find the right person,” I asked.
“It is the most common question I get asked. There is one rule; if you can’t live without them, do it.”
In the end, we spent over two hours talking to Randy Kessler. We learned that he loves his job and is truly motivated to help people through one of the hardest seasons of their lives. He believes divorce is about happiness, not money and the truth is always the best path. He seems to operate by a code – do the right thing – and counsels his clients to do the same.
And, he believes in love.
Trey
Just to give you an idea of how amazing this man is, look at his response to us after we sent him the draft of this blog for approval…